A little orphan girl. It doesn't matter what race, where she is from, or who she is. I just want her to be around the age of six or so, and be an orphan who has never met her parents or never had an intimate relationship with an adult. I have never had a good relationship with my father. My parents separated when I was very young and he was hardly involved in my life. My mom has always been there for me, but I cry so much because I want my Dad to be there too. I get so angry the less and less contact he makes with me, and there are times I wish he would simply leave my life. Then there are times when I think about all the children in the world who have never met their father nor their mother. They have never had an adult to run to during times of pain and suffering. Many don't even know their parents names. I then realize I have no idea what it is like to live life and have no one there for me. I want to trade places with someone who could appreciate my life more than I can, even if it is just for twenty-four hours. I feel that that child will then know what it's like to be loved by a mother and cherish it much more than I will possibly be able to.

I found this in the "Monica's Junk" folder of my documents. I wrote this right after I had a long talk with my father. After these long talks, as they all seem to be just about the same, I question God why. I throw myself this huge pity party, calling, texting, emailing everyone and anyone who will listen. I find some way to make it seem like it's the end of the road for me. Like I'm going through the worst thing on earth and no one knows my pain. During this time, I forget about the little girl I prayed for in Mexico at the orphanage. The little girl who looked me in the eyes and asked if I would keep her and her brothers in prayer. She was the middle child, the only girl, and completely parentless. A little three year old brother and an almost 18 year old brother were all she had. One pair of shoes, two outfits, a small drawer of gifts given by previous missionaries and a small yellow wooden top bunk were her only possessions. It's girls like her, that push me. They encourage me. They wake me up and get my butt in class. They were the faces I saw as I filled out my college applications, and they will be the faces I see the day I walk across the stage to recieve my diploma for my B.A in InterCultural Studies. Tonight, I will print out this document that I have long forgotten about, to remind me why I'm here. I'm here, studying on Hope International University so I can be that one person in that little orphan girls life to care about. She represents every child out there who has it much worse than I ever will. And for them, I will aim to serve.

Wow... haven't blogged in nearly a year!!! Sorry Vanessa, I know you're the only who reads it and it's pretty much the only way you know what's going on my life but here a little summary:

I'm finishing up my last semester of my first year in college. (HIU of Fullerton City) On the 21st of next month i'll be touring in Korea with my school choir. After that I be going back home to sacramento where I"ll be taking summer school and get this: I'll be taking piano lessons! I plan on getting a summer job too. This past year has been just so undescribable. I absolutely love it. I have been through so many trials that i never would have imagined to hit me and by going through them all my faith is a million times stronger than it was when i first laid foot on this campus. Going to a christian college doesn't mean that you're faith isn't going to be tested, nor does it mean that every one here is a strong christian. Along with fighting battles here on campus I also had to fight battles from home. I thought that living 500 miles away from home would get me away from the problems i face there, instead they only got worse. God has seen me through each and every one of them.

You'll be happy to know that i'll be taking piano lessons this summer so that should be quite interesting seeing that I dont know how to read a note of music.. haha...After Korea though i will not be going on any more mission trips this summer, perhaps next summer.. ok well I suppose this should do for now! Look forward to seeing you soon as I will be flying there for your wedding YAY!!!